death

death is strange.  it depends on many factors on how you react to hearing of a death.  if it is a death in the family, you can have immediate, uncontrollable crying –but the immediate part usually depends on the closeness to this family member.  your mind tells you that this is major and it could affect your own life.  you starting thinking of what you miss and all the things you used to do.  you think about the warm touch you experienced –hugs, kisses –and how those will be gone.  you think about conversations and good times.  you think about the future and the wider uncertainty that has surfaced now.  this will take time to overcome, but you do need to tend to the living and this will help move you forward.  you think about your own mortality.  yet–when it is a co-worker or acquaintance –one that you do not see every day or might not have seen in a few years –the reaction is different.  you think more about “why” did this happen.  you think more about the suffering of the family left behind.  you do think about the good times that you shared and you do feel very sad.  but you do not cry most of the time.  you do think about your own fate a bit more.  you do think about living for the moment.  you do think that anything can happen at any time.  you do understand that as your life goes own, others will die –but you don’t think about this fact until the next person passes.  we can’t fully understand death and our reaction to it.  this is a primal experience –one that beckons from our inner soul.  but in the end, every thought we make clings to our own self-preservation.  death is coming, so live for the moment, but plan for the future.

dying young

what a pain in the ass.  what a bitch.  what a bastard.  you are a good person –probably better than most –and nicer than most too.  you don’t call people names and everyone likes you.  you have a great family –better than most –always there supporting each other.  everyone who hears your name –smiles –because they like you –no reason not to –you have been nothing but nice and supportive to them.  you are a good person.  you have a beautiful, young family –you have it all.  then one day you wake up and none of this matters anymore.  you have cancer and you are going to die.  you are going to leave your young family –you are going to leave a huge void in the lives of everyone that knows you.  your loss will change the lives of others –many for the worse.  you won’t be there for your kids or your wife –they will have to learn to grow up without you.  it is all a bunch of BS.  why do you get screwed like this?  you were the nicest guy –now you get screwed.  life is not fair–we all know it –and most of it is luck.  it’s all bullshit.  you have this perfect family tree growing stronger with each generation –and then BOOM! –here is a big hole in the whole thing –everyone is screwed –especially the kids –what a bunch of BS–that is all i can say.  what else is there to say?