when you are young, you don’t reflect on birthdays or any day – no need – just live.  but as you get older – as the birthdays pile up and the big day approaches each year – you become apprehensive, you get worried, you lose sleep – and each birthday becomes bitter sweet – yes you are still alive and that is good – but you then start to think about the past and you start to think about the future.  for the past – you look back and see if you are satisfied with what you have done and where you are at 39,49,59,69.  are you happy with where you sit at each birthday – is this what you thought you would be doing.  this then brings on visions of the shortening future – it is no longer halfway – it becomes less than half left – time is running out.  will you reach all of your goals before you die.  you need to use your remaining time wisely – you need finish the job right – you need to get to a point of calmness – you need to stop worrying – you still need so much – but you won’t get it all – you have to start to understand that – you are not exactly where you thought you would be – yes it is good overall – yes it could be better – yes it could be worse – you can reflect too much or too long – no point – time keeps going and so do you.  just get up and do what you need to do, what you want to do, what you have to do.  be with those that are good to you – get rid of the rest.  they are all racing towards the end just like you – not enough room in your mind or their mind for many other thoughts.  the only thought is to keep going.

death again

death is everywhere.  it is a part of life but not a part of life.  it is in the very back of everyone’s mind – but never really thought about.  it happens all the time and it happens more around you as you get older.  you get the usual deaths with the grandparents, then parents.  but you also get random deaths of people dying before they get older.  they are living just like you – they don’t think about death, they are too young.  then one day they are dead – in 30s, 40s, 50s – thinking they would live to 70s, 80s, 90s – but they didn’t – and they only realize that fact in the last split second of their life – when they know it’s over way too soon and they didn’t do everything that they wanted to do – they ran out of time.  it only leaves all of us thinking about death again – but we can’t really comprehend our own death.  we think we have more time – and we will think that until the last split second comes.  why do some people die younger.  when you read their headstone, you will do the quick math and think – they were too young to die.  everything they did is soon forgotten.  you think about them for awhile but then you shift back to your own life and your own death.  we will never be able to articulate death – it is just one of those things.  you can talk about it, you can ask why, but you never really understand.  all you can do is live.

no certainty

there is no certainty that you will be alive tomorrow.  we all know this, but we don’t think about this concept all the time.  we don’t dwell on the fact that we will all die at some point in the future.  and why would you dwell on this.  you wouldn’t and you shouldn’t.  but we are reminded on a regular basis that people die all of the time.  and as we grow older and as we know more people directly or indirectly – we will know more and more people who will die.  we wake up some days and are slapped in the face with another death of someone we know.  it is especially a shock if that person is younger.  if that person is a child or teenager or even in their 20’s, 30’s, 40’s – it is a grave shock that we can barely comprehend.  we don’t know why this would happen or how it could happen – but it happens and it will never stop happening.  you might go awhile between deaths, but they will eventually come again.  all we can do is pray for the family affected and pray that it will not happen to your family.  but we ultimately have no control over when it will happen.  this is why we have to live for now.  we have to look long and hard at our loved ones.  we have to take it all in.  we have to try and pause the present.  we have to let things go.  we have to forgive.  we have to stop fighting.  we have to enjoy each other.  we have to do this and we have to do that.  we have to just be.  we have to move on and move forward.  we have to stop analyzing everything.  we have to be thankful for what we have and not be jealous of what others have.  we have to be comfortable in our own skin.  stop thinking so much and just live.  another death will come and you must think about living your life now – because one day someone will hear about your death.  live for what you have now.  that is all you have or will ever have.  now.

cherish them

it came to me last night when i pray each night for my loved ones.  i go through the names of all my relatives.  i then realized that there are only 3 immediate family members left that are in the golden age of life.  we need to cherish them in these final years because when they are gone, there won’t be anyone left at that age – only you marching towards that time in your life.  it will come quickly – like everything in life.  you will one day soon be that older person.  you will be the one your younger relatives pray for.  keep praying for them while they are alive so you can know that you have a limited time with them – to enjoy now before it is too late.  pray for them because you will be them soon.  they need you as much as you need them.  they were there for you when you were younger – and now you must be there for them.  it is the right thing to do.  you know it – you just have to do it.  cherish them.

be content

with your life.  stop thinking about what your life might be in the future.  stop wishing away the present.  look around at all that you have now.  be grateful for what you have now – for who you have now in your life – for the laughs you have now in life – for the moments you have now in life.  you will never get what you want in the future until you are happy with what you have now.  i don’t know why it is so embedded in human nature – to want what others have, to want more that what you have, to dream of a better life – when the life you have now is the “better life”.  in every day that you live now, there are moments of joy and beauty.  when you sit at a table with your family and you talk, smile, laugh – you are experiencing the best things that life has to offer –ever.  it does not get any better than those moments –moments that you will yearn for in your dying hour.  why are there so many cliches about living now, living for the moment, live in the present – it is because they are true.  you just have to realize it.  you have to flip a switch in your mind to stop wishing and wanting –and start living.  because before you know it, your wish will come true – you will be in the future and you will only have regret then, for not stopping in time to flip the switch.

looking back

when you reach old age, the world has changed.  you yearn for simpler times, you feel out of touch.  there are more unfamiliar people around and the crowds seem to go on forever.  the quiet moments you once experienced in the past are now replaced with background noise that never dies off.  you feel more resigned to leaving this earth.  your time has truly past you by and you know it and accept it.  this is actually a good thing because it causes you to realize that passing away is part of the cycle of life and that you have lived into a new age that belongs to the new generation.  it’s time to let go and say goodbye.

the last moment

we spend our whole lives preparing  for that split-second moment before we take our last breath.  for it is at that moment when we realize if we have lived a fulfilling life.  we will then know that it is okay to say “goodbye” to this world and “hello” to the next.  we will know that we tried to live life to the fullest, to go after every challenge, to take risks to succeed, to set goals and go after them, to be true to one’s self no matter what and to be true to one’s closest companions.  every event in our lives is measured in that last moment, when we ultimately discover if we have lived life to the fullest or not.  it is at that moment when you will smile or not, when the person who finds you, finds you with a smile or not, when that person will tell others:  “At least he died with a smile on his face”–it is all for the smile –for the smile tells it all –one gesture expresses a lifetime of events

why be remembered?

you know why we should be remembered –because we go through this whole thing called life and then we just die in the end.  i mean what is the point of living if not to be remembered.  i guess if we only live for the moment, then that is why we don’t care if people remember us or if history remembers us.  i guess if we are not alive to see people remember us, then it doesn’t matter if we are not remembered –what do we care.  these are all good points and many can live by them–and die by them.  but, what if we want to convey what we learned to our kids and grandkids –and the rest of society –you know–so they can learn from what we learned in life.  this could be one very small reason why we should want to leave some things behind besides a will and a corpse.  we might also want our relatives, friends, etc to see what we looked like, to hear our words, to know what we thought about things.  perhaps this is a better reason to leave your mark behind.  the other reason might be to make sure history records your life the way you want it recorded.  this could give you some extra peace of mind on the way out.  for a few brief minutes of your time, would you do a few steps to be remembered by history?  would you take a few more steps beyond that to save things for your family and friends.  maybe —and maybe not.  after all, what do you care, really?  you will be dead and who cares when one is dead.  this is the question –do you care enough to care?


death is strange.  it depends on many factors on how you react to hearing of a death.  if it is a death in the family, you can have immediate, uncontrollable crying –but the immediate part usually depends on the closeness to this family member.  your mind tells you that this is major and it could affect your own life.  you starting thinking of what you miss and all the things you used to do.  you think about the warm touch you experienced –hugs, kisses –and how those will be gone.  you think about conversations and good times.  you think about the future and the wider uncertainty that has surfaced now.  this will take time to overcome, but you do need to tend to the living and this will help move you forward.  you think about your own mortality.  yet–when it is a co-worker or acquaintance –one that you do not see every day or might not have seen in a few years –the reaction is different.  you think more about “why” did this happen.  you think more about the suffering of the family left behind.  you do think about the good times that you shared and you do feel very sad.  but you do not cry most of the time.  you do think about your own fate a bit more.  you do think about living for the moment.  you do think that anything can happen at any time.  you do understand that as your life goes own, others will die –but you don’t think about this fact until the next person passes.  we can’t fully understand death and our reaction to it.  this is a primal experience –one that beckons from our inner soul.  but in the end, every thought we make clings to our own self-preservation.  death is coming, so live for the moment, but plan for the future.

dying young

what a pain in the ass.  what a bitch.  what a bastard.  you are a good person –probably better than most –and nicer than most too.  you don’t call people names and everyone likes you.  you have a great family –better than most –always there supporting each other.  everyone who hears your name –smiles –because they like you –no reason not to –you have been nothing but nice and supportive to them.  you are a good person.  you have a beautiful, young family –you have it all.  then one day you wake up and none of this matters anymore.  you have cancer and you are going to die.  you are going to leave your young family –you are going to leave a huge void in the lives of everyone that knows you.  your loss will change the lives of others –many for the worse.  you won’t be there for your kids or your wife –they will have to learn to grow up without you.  it is all a bunch of BS.  why do you get screwed like this?  you were the nicest guy –now you get screwed.  life is not fair–we all know it –and most of it is luck.  it’s all bullshit.  you have this perfect family tree growing stronger with each generation –and then BOOM! –here is a big hole in the whole thing –everyone is screwed –especially the kids –what a bunch of BS–that is all i can say.  what else is there to say?