looking back

when you look back past your life and all the way back to your parents’ lives – to when they met and got married – and then you see the path they took and you see how old they were – and you then compare to your life, to your age at certain parts of your path – you then start to realize how young your parents were when they got married, when they had kids, why they had marital troubles if they did – why they might have divorced – you start to see it all very clearly.  you think about what you did in your 20s – and how getting married and having kids in early-mid 20s might have been major challenges to a relationship.  you then see the paths they took and then you see that their lives did not always end in glory or in a way ever imagined.  they had dreams too – they wanted to get to a comfortable place too.  they wanted to be safe and secure – they wanted to succeed.  they are just like you – they are only human – their paths changed too – they are just trying to hold on to life like you – they are trying to keep their grip every day.  it is a funny thing when you really look back at your parents’ lives and you compare to yours and you see what they had to do and you see what you have to do – and these are the secrets not always revealed – you just have to look and compare – and you will understand more about you and about them.

hopes & dreams

where do they live?  they live in the places you would never visit in your daily path.  they live in small depressed office buildings, in lonely garages on dead end streets, in parts of the city where trash is not picked up, where trees are not trimmed.  no one goes here except the people who have no other choice or who have made the choice to try something new – to take a chance – to take a risk for success.  when you start at the bottom, it isn’t pretty and it doesn’t smell good – and the people do not smile.  these people are all just wandering through life, hoping that they will reach the next level.  these people linger in the parking lot smoking away – staring off into the distance.  these people sit in their offices and make long deep sighs all day – they are not sad, they are not happy, they are just there – hanging on by a thread to keep the lights on at home.  when you walk around the parking lot, you don’t look each other in the eye – you are all in the same miserable boat.  your office is a small collection of rooms – empty most of the time or just a few people staring at their computer screens.  there is a fridge but not much in it – there is no sink or kitchen – you have to pour out your water outside or in the bathroom.  there is a microwave in another empty room in the building – it is small and dirty.  the day is the same every day with the occasional surprise or victory – but they are small victories and the big victory takes a long time to achieve or never comes at all.  you wonder how did you get here and why are you here.  you have bet your life on this job in this very small company with not much money.  you only have your hopes and your dreams and your will to keep going.  you will not quit until the day they fire you.  you are sure that day will come soon, but are still holding out hope that what you are doing might actually succeed.  until then, you will keep coming to this place, you will keep trying, you will keep dreaming, you will keep hoping.